


armed and dangerous

by justajoke99



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Angst, Blood and Violence, Eventual Relationships, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, cody is angsty, kelsey and aleena are angsty, noel and cody are both soft for each other but don't fully know it, noel is angsty, protective noel, referenced surgical procedures, this is dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:33:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22874056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justajoke99/pseuds/justajoke99
Summary: Noel was once told his body was a weapon. It was armor at the time.  A weapon. Hard like steel, almost unbreakable. It was a compliment. Made him feel safe, justified his actions. 4 years later, he doesn’t feel the same.Cody is filled with demons. There’s no life behind his eyes, he’s taken too many to feel like he deserves to live.(noel and cody both had fucked up childhoods and are recruited to become hitmen. after a few years, they are haunted by their past actions and suspicious of their employers. both placed on temporary leave, they meet in a forced group therapy session)
Relationships: Aleena (Tiny Meat Gang)/Kelsey Kreppel, Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 41
Kudos: 65





	1. bloody memories

**Author's Note:**

> hi again! i'm back with something a lil' different from my normal fluffy and short stories. after reading fictionalparadise's and tonsilfoodcourt's amazing assassins AU, i wanted to take a stab at it with a lil bit of a different premise. i really, really hope that you all enjoy this! comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! 
> 
> pls, pls read all the tags before reading! there's some heavy shit in here.
> 
> as usual, i respect everyone in this story's real life relationship and do not think that this reflects their real life situations, relationships or sexualities so please don't send this to them or anyone related/connected to them.

Noel was once told his body was a weapon. It was armor at the time. A weapon. Hard like steel, almost unbreakable. It was a compliment. Made him feel safe, justified his actions.

4 years later, he doesn’t feel the same. Instead of being a bullet, he was a casing. A shell of the man he once was. He was hollow inside, filled with horrors, memories of blood staining his hands, sounds of bones breaking, skulls cracking. He wished one day it would all just stop. Either the memories or his heart. His own heartbeat haunts him, a reminder of what he’s done. He’s thought about it a few times. Ridding himself of these memories, ending it all. Something stops him every time. He doesn’t know what. He hopes whatever it is either saves him or stops stopping him. He hopes it’s soon.

Cody is filled with demons.

There’s no life behind his eyes, he’s taken too many to feel like he deserves to live. He feels like he’s going to vomit. His head lolls against the car window. He closes his eyes, focuses on something, anything, anything other than the metallic smell of blood on his hands and the scream stuck on a loop in his head. He can’t control it. He vomits bile all over his shoes and the black leather of the car. The driver doesn’t move, just looks in the rearview window at Cody and nods. If only he really understood. He lays his head back against the window and tries to pretend like he isn’t going to hell.

Back at HQ, Cody stands in the shower and lets the hot water run over him, watches the water shift from tinted pink to clear. He scrubs a hand over his face, wincing as he brushes bruises and a new cut near his eye. How much longer? He didn’t know how much more he could take. He screams in the shower, as loud as he could, he slams his fist against the side of the shower and one of the tiles splits down the middle and falls at his feet. Someone else could fix it, he needed to lie down, needed to do something else. He steps out of the shower and changes into something warm, something to make him forget how god damn cold it was in that warehouse today, something warm to make him forget about the hot blood that spattered on his face while he emptied his clip. He lays face down on his bed and screams again. He keeps screaming because he can’t forget. He will never forget.

The question is will he ever do anything about it?

Or will he keep screaming until someone has to shut him up?

...

Noel is laying face up on his bed. He’s staring at the darkness of his ceiling to try and stifle the oncoming flood of tears welling up in his eyes. The motherfucker in the room next to him won’t stop screaming. They’re all filled with demons, all scarred from what they’ve done. HQ does nothing. Occasionally they’ll stick a few of them in a fluorescent-lit conference room with cold coffee and a therapist to try and talk about it. Most of them leave or can’t get a single word out. It’s so hard. Noel doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to talk about it. His young and juvenile self saw his actions as heroic, now he just wants to bash his head in until he can fucking forget what he’s done. He would try and sleep but the screamer next door was preventing it. Noel folds the pillow around his ears and imagines that he’s finally smothering himself. Another time he always says, another time. Another time he’ll be heroic enough to do what he deserves.

A note is slipped under Noel’s door. A new mission. Previously, his fingertips would’ve trembled with nerves, but he’s become too used to it. He screws his eyes shut as he opens the note.

“Meet in Conference Room 1, 8:00 am.”

This was new. Mostly his notes consisted of where to find a case file and he could go from there. The system was cold for a reason, trying to depersonalize the atrocities they were committing. Noel looked at his watch, it was only 4:30 am. He could never sleep for more than 4 hours in a row, it was too much, too dark, too many memories, too many screams. He sat at his desk chair and stared at the wood grain. He ran his fingers mindlessly over the thin chain around his neck. His fingers slipped down to the key at the end of the chain. He removed the chain from his neck and slotted the key into his only desk drawer that was locked. His breath hitched as he saw the contents laid carefully in the drawer. He pulled out a faded blue composition notebook. He ran his fingers over the writing scrawled on the front.

“Noel Miller 2nd Grade”

He opened the notebook to its first page, titled: “My Hopes and Dreams”. He took a deep breath and began to read:

“When I’m older I want to be an astronat and doctor and help people when they don’t feel good like how my mommy helps me feel better when I’m sad. Also being a superhero would be cool because then I could save people.”

Hot tears rolled down his cheek as he took out the next item, a picture of him and his mom. It’s his 2nd grade First Day of School photo. He has the world’s largest grin on his face, showing off one of his missing front teeth. His mom had put gel in his hair so he felt like a ~big kid~ and he had a brand new big kid backpack too. She was crouched next to him, long brown hair in a tight bun, with her arms wrapped around him, a wide smile on her face too. He was so full of hope and joy. It was all gone. He gripped the photo tightly to his chest and let more tears fall. She was gone, there was nothing he could do. He fell back asleep in his desk chair, cheeks stained with tears, photo still clutched to his heart.

...

Cody tentatively entered Conference Room 1. Fuck. There were 6 chairs in a circle. His screaming had finally caught up to him. He sat in the chair labeled with his name and twiddled his thumbs until the door opened again. Damn this guy looked like shit. His chin and jaw were lined with stubble and he had bags under his eyes that could only come from sleeping at most 4 hours a night. The mystery man moved to the back of the conference room and poured himself a shitty cup of coffee and looked at the circle before taking a seat next to Cody on the chair labeled “Noel”. Cody had heard of this guy. He had been a fucking legend for a while at HQ when he first started because he managed to take down someone they had been hunting for 5 years but could never quite catch. Cody hadn’t heard his name since, he wondered what had happened to him. Maybe he was full of demons too. Two more people filtered in, Kelsey and Aleena. All 4 sat wordlessly, waiting for the therapist to enter and try and force conversation. After about 10 minutes, Kelsey stood up.

“Fuck this,” she said and made her way to the door before Aleena stood up and grabbed her wrist.

“Kels, come on we need this,” she whispered. Kelsey nodded and sat back down in her seat. Cody and Noel watched silently. There was a story there, Cody wondered what it was.

The therapist finally entered. She sat in the final chair and cleared her throat.

“So, let’s talk,” she said, hands clasped in her lap, looking around the circle. Everybody averted their eyes. No way in hell was Cody telling these 4 strangers his deepest, darkest secrets.

“Noel, why don’t you start us off?” She said, it wasn’t really a question, it was a command.

“I’d rather not, I don’t even know why I’m here,” he lied, running a hand over his face.

“Noel,” she said strictly.

“My name is Noel, I’m 25. I started training at 18 and went into the field at 21,” he said, that was all they needed to know.

“And why are you here with us today?”

“This bitch,” Noel thought.

“Why am I here? You tell me. We’re all fucked up, corporate just decides who they think deserves the pity of sitting in here while we all silently relive what we’ve done, while some corporate dumbass asks us how we feel when they know damn well that we are not and will never be okay. I don’t see the point in this bullshit. Want me to talk about my fucked up childhood and how that shaped me today? Or maybe how I can’t get the smell of blood out of my nose? Or how I still hear the screams of those I’ve killed in my mind at night? Or how I can’t sleep for more than 4 hours a night because I am a 25 year old afraid of the dark? Or how about how my own heartbeat reminds me that I am a terrible human being every single day? Is that what you wanna hear? Fucking bullshit,” Noel spat out before he got up out of his chair and stormed out of the conference room, slamming the door behind him. He wasn’t doing that bullshit.

The three others sat in shock while the therapist stumbled for words.

“Anyone else?” She asked with a voice crack.

Kelsey, Aleena, and Cody all stood up with a scoff and walked out of the conference room. Kelsey and Aleena walked to their rooms. Cody went to go find Noel. What he was saying sounded too familiar. It sounded like Cody’s thoughts. Cody knew those feelings. He wanted to talk to Noel. 


	2. is that what you wanna hear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter! more heavy stuff, pls read tags! thank you sm for the support on the first chapter!

Noel was back on his bed, staring at the ceiling when he heard a knock at his door. If it was that fucking therapist he was going to throw hands. He unlocked his door and was surprised to see Cody standing there.

“Man I’m sorry if I ruined ‘therapy’ but I can’t do that bullshit,” Noel said, about to close the door.

“No, no man I can’t either. What you said is how I feel. I’m Cody, I’m also 25,” Cody said, extending his hand out. Noel shook it tentatively.

“I have the room next to you,” Cody said, jabbing his thumb at the door to Noel’s left.

So he was the fucking screamer.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Shit, Noel didn’t realize he said that out loud.

“Well man if you ever want to talk or something, I’m next door,” Cody offered, before opening his room door.

“Ok man,” Noel said quietly. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to sleep for more than 4 hours tonight. He wanted to forget today ever happened. Cody nodded and shuffled into his own room. Noel shut his door and audibly sighed. Fuck man. Cody was well-meaning but no way in hell was Noel talking to him. Not now, not ever.

Cody sat on his bed and threw himself back against his pillow. Noel seemed like he would’ve been good to talk to. But alas, Cody knew that feeling. He probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk to Noel if he had approached him. But also, Cody understood how much he was hurting. They had both started training at 18, young, impressionable, sent into the field at 21. They had started their adulthood here. They would probably end up dead here or in an asylum mumbling shit to themselves by 30. They hadn’t thought too much about it at 18, they were squishy, malleable, impressionable 18-year-olds.

Dumbasses.

Sure, there was good pension and benefits, but at what fucking cost? Insanity? He rubbed his eyes and shut them. He had the rest of the day off, HQ had put him on temporary leave until they thought he was “cured” enough to go back to this line of work. It was to make his bosses feel better about themselves, make them feel like they weren’t fucking semi-normal 18 year-olds up by making them murder people. Cody had left his life behind. Well, whatever semblance of a life he had had left. At first, he felt good, the work made him feel useful. Now it made him sick to his stomach. But he was stuck here. There was nothing he could do.

Noel didn’t have an appetite. He spent the rest of the day lying in bed, napping for 1 hour at a time before waking up with a jolt. He listened to people mill in and out of the hallways, he even listened to see if Cody ever left his room, but Noel didn’t hear anything from him.

Rationally, he knew he needed the therapy, knew he was going to need some sort of help after the shit he’s seen, but he knew there was no way in hell he was getting group therapy. Airing out his issues in private? Fine. In front of other just as fucked up people? No fucking way.

He sighed. He was going to have to figure out something, his bosses wouldn’t put him back on the force until he showed that he was mentally sound for it, and after his little outburst, Noel knew it was going to be a bit until he was declared fit for work. As he continued to lay in bed with his hands folded across his chest, he heard a note slip under his door. He sat up slowly and grabbed it.

“8 am again tomorrow. We expect better from you, Noel.”

Fuck. He knew he had ruffled feathers but his higher-ups were definitely not happy. As he was going to put the note on his desk, he heard another paper slide across his wooden floor. What? He turned back around and picked it up.

“Therapy again tomorrow. I’ll talk so u don’t have to. -Cody”

Noel was taken aback. This was the first genuinely kind gesture someone had done for him since he had started training. Maybe Cody wouldn’t be too bad after all, Noel just didn’t want to talk to him about his issues. Noel set both notes on his desk and got back in bed. Tomorrow he would have to be a little better. Just a little bit. And he’d have to be less of a dick to that Cody guy. Maybe Kelsey and Aleena were nice too. He’d have to see. He drifted into sleep, thinking about seeing his 3 new partners again.

8 am. Fuck. Noel had gotten 5 hours of sleep, a record time for him. Yet he was still up at 4 am. He spent another morning holding that picture of him and his mom. A routine was beginning to form. He walked to conference room 1 and gave a slight upturn of his lips to Cody, Kelsey, and Aleena as he sat in his chair. The therapist, Holly, entered shortly after and gave Noel a stern look as she sat in her seat.

As she was about to open her mouth, Cody interrupted:

“Miss, I’d like to start us off.”

Holly looked taken aback.

“Go ahead, Cody, we are here for you.”

He cleared his throat and began:

“Name’s Cody. Started training at 18, went into the field at 21. I fucking hate it now. I felt heroic when I started, it made me feel something, like I was doing good. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, I just see faces of those that I’ve killed. Faces covered in blood, sweat, and tears, faces in anguish. I can’t handle that I am alive and they are not. My own hands scare the shit out of me. I should probably do to myself what I’ve done to all those people. Just bash my head into a wall over and over or slit my wrists or put a fucking bullet through my skull. I’m known as the screamer around here because I’d rather listen to my own screams than the ones that play on repeat in my brain. I write constantly, trying to avert my mind from anything other than the metallic smell of hot blood I can’t get out of mind, anything to drown the sounds of bones cracking as they hit the concrete of the warehouse floor, anything to distract me from the fact that I will never, ever be able to look myself in the fucking mirror. That’s what you wanna hear, right?” Cody huffed, tears streaming down his face.

Goddamn. He understood Noel and felt the same way. Noel for the longest time felt like he was alone, like everyone around him was fucked up but just not as much as him. He stood corrected. The therapist looked like the wind had been knocked out of her.

“Well, uh, that’s a lot to unpack right now so let’s start slow-” Cody cut her off.

“What, are you gonna tell me I’m a decent person? That I shouldn’t carry the moral weight of my actions? That maybe a good dose of Prozac and seeing a therapist regularly will help? Fuck outta here with that.” Cody huffed and sat back against his seat, folding his arms over his chest.

“Well, yes, Cody. Seeing a therapist regularly and medications will help with what you’re feeling. It’s not an uncommon problem around here, which is why we have these sessions, to try and help because it is a tough line of work.”

Kelsey finally piped in.

“Tough line of work? Tough? You think this is tough?”

“Well, I know-”

“I don’t think you ‘know’, Holly. I think you like to tell yourself that you understand it so that you feel okay trying to help people, but I don’t think you’ve actually experienced it, I don’t think you ‘get it’ which is why no one here wants to listen to you,” Kelsey finished as Aleena reached for her hand and squeezed it.

“If all of you remain uncooperative, then you’ll have to talk directly to your bosses, and I know George and Adam aren’t particularly happy with you, Noel, after your outburst yesterday, and Cody and Kelsey, I don’t think they’ll be happy to hear the tone both of you have taken with me today,” Holly said.

“After that, HQ will do whatever they feel is necessary, which could include putting you in a new job or retirement,” she continued, folding her arms in her lap, giving everyone a stern look.

“So, is anyone ready to talk now?” She asked, plastering a fake smile across her face as she picked her clipboard back up.

Noel, Cody, Kelsey, and Aleena all walked out of the conference room after another hour of Holly making them introduce themselves.

“We’re gonna go back to our rooms; we’ll see you tomorrow,” Kelsey said, walking off with Aleena. “

Well, I’m gonna go grab a coffee from the cafeteria if you want to join me?” Cody asked Noel.

“I’m gonna go back to my room and lay down for a bit, thanks though man,” Noel said, heading back towards his room.

“Alright, see you tomorrow man.” Cody placed his hands in his pockets and walked towards the cafeteria.

Noel took off his shoes and laid down on his bed. He was torn. He could either BS his way through therapy and go back to the job that made him want to kill himself or do therapy seriously and risk getting retired forcefully because if anybody heard half the shit he thinks, he would be pulled out of work almost immediately. He’s heard horror stories from retirement and some people never get to actually leave, they’re kept at HQ until they die mysteriously, and with the way he’s talking now, Noel doesn’t think he’d ever get to leave. He stared at the ceiling fan, watching its blades spin rhythmically and he slowly fell into a fitful sleep.

Cody sat at one of the cafeteria tables and sipped on a black coffee.

“I heard Cody got put on leave”

“Cody is the one that fucking screams all night”

“I bet he’s gonna get retired”

“Do you think they’re gonna let him leave after the shit he’s seen?”

“Probably not... what a shame... he was a good agent”

Everyone whispered around him. Cody rubbed his eyes and tried to finish his coffee as quickly as possible.

“He deserves it, after what happened to his last partner, I hope someone puts a bullet through his brain,” he heard someone say.

Fuck these guys.

“You don’t think I want that too, Luke? Don’t think I want someone to kill me too?” Cody said as he stood up and turned around.

“I’m glad to do it for you, Ko,” Luke said with a chuckle.

“Go ahead, Luke, I’m sure Ellie would love to see that,”

“Shut the fuck up,” Luke said through gritted teeth as he stood up.

“What are you gonna do, hit me?” Cody asked, with a huff of a laugh.

“No, you know what, Ko, I think your dad did enough of that,” Luke said, laughing. Cody didn’t have the energy to fight Luke, he just wanted to go back to his room and lay down. Today was a lot. Cody hoped that Noel would talk to him at some point, but he was starting to think that Noel was too hardened to share anything at this point.

"Fuck off, Luke," Cody said tiredly.

Cody walked back to his room quickly and threw himself onto his bed. Silent streams of tears ran down his face. Fuck Luke and fuck him for bringing that shit up. Cody's sniffles turned into louder sobs. He tried muffling his cries in his pillows but there was no point. Everyone was going to hear, even Noel. 

Cody continued crying, for his life now, for his childhood, for the fucking mess he's gotten himself into. 

He didn't think he would ever stop crying, that is, until, he heard a knock at his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you want more, i have big ideas for this story and i'd love to put them out there if people want to read more!


	3. the plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter! sorry it's a lil short but an important chapter! the next chapter will definitely be longer to make up for it though!

“Who is it?” Cody managed to choke out between sobs.

“Hey man it’s Noel, you, uh, you doin aight?” He asked, doubt coloring his voice.

“Oh, yeah, I’m good,” Noel knew Cody was lying.

“I don’t mean to intrude, but I can hear you crying and, uh, if you need to talk to someone I’m here, okay?” Noel said. It was genuine, he felt bad for Cody and could tell that something was definitely wrong.

“Really?” Cody said, opening the door, red tear tracks running down his cheeks.

“Yeah, for sure,” Noel reaffirmed softly.

“C-Can we talk now?” Cody asked, looking only down at the wood grain of the floor and his feet, refusing to look Noel directly in the eyes.

Noel nodded and joined Cody in his room. Cody sat down on his bed, pulling on his fingers and averting his gaze. Noel pulled Cody’s desk chair over to his bedside and looked at the hazel-eyed boy.

“What’s wrong?” Noel prodded, with a softness in his voice that he didn’t even recognize as himself.

“There’s some stuff, from my, uh, childhood. And someone brought it up again today and it really upset me, ‘cause I try to not think about that part of my life, right? That mixed with therapy and all the shit I see on a daily basis, along with the other stuff that one dude said, it all got to me and it felt like, like so much all in one day and -” Noel cut Cody off.

“Who brought it up? Who said that shit? Who was it?”

“It’s not that big of a deal, he has his own issues and it’s him projecting,”

“No, Cody, it’s not okay, you can’t let these people walk all over you! You gotta stand up for yourself man,” Noel said with passionate belief.

Cody shut down at those words, he froze, stuck in this moment in time, staring off into the distance.

“You okay?”

Cody gave no answer.

Suddenly, Cody was cowering from Noel, covering his face with his arms and making himself as small as possible.

“D-don’t hit me, please,” Cody cried out.

“Woah, woah, woah man I’m not gonna hit you,” Noel said as it slowly dawned on him.

“Oh, shit,” he mumbled, trying to remember what he had been taught by corporate in the one week of psychiatric training

“Hey, Cody, I think you’re having a flashback. You’re 25, you’re here with me, Noel. I know it feels really real, but I’m real. I’m here and I’m real. These bed sheets are also real, this desk chair is real, that lamp is real, that notebook is real and those shoes are real. What are some real things you see?” Noel asked slowly.

“The-there’s y-you and, and, my sh-sheets and the ch-chair and the l-lamp and the notebook and, um, those sh-shoes,” Cody said as his body shook with sadness.

“Good, that’s good Cody. Take some more deep breaths,” Noel instructed. Cody’s breaths were still choppy, threatening to send him into a panic attack at any moment. Cody couldn’t seem to even out his breathing.

“Noel?”

“Yeah?”

“Can, can you hold me? I understand if-if you don’t wanna but the pr-pressure of it might help calm my-my-nervous system d-down? And it’s w-weird but-” Noel cut Cody off once again, but this time by wrapping his arms around Cody, holding him. Cody sighed and rested his on Noel’s shoulder.

“I-i-i wanna go so bad, Noel. I wanna be normal. I wanna forget any of this ever happened,” Cody said with a sharpness that only comes with sobbing as hard as possible. Tears dripped from his cheeks onto Noel’s shirt.

“I know man, I do too, I want to leave. But we can’t, at least not yet.”

“Not yet?” Cody quoted, lifting his head and pulling away to look Noel in the eyes. The sight nearly broke him. Cody’s face was entirely red, blotchy with tears. His eyes were glassy and covered with a thin film of water threatening to spill over. Some of his hair was matted to his forehead from the tears. He looked absolutely broken.

“Yeah man, we can come up with a plan and if it somehow gets worse, we put the plan into action. We’ll go, okay?” Noel barely noticed how he said “we” in referring to them. Those were thoughts to obsess over another time.

“Y-yeah I’d like that,” Cody admitted, finally calming down.

“Okay then, a plan. We can do that, what’s step number one?” Noel questioned, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen from Cody’s desk.

“We should start with rules, first,” Cody interjected quietly.

“Oh yeah that makes more sense, what’s rule number one?”

“Rule number one: don’t leave the other behind.”

“That’s a good one,” Noel said, nodding and scrawling it down on the piece of paper.

“What are the others?” he continued.

“Rule number two: update the other with any information you get so we are on the same page”

“Rule number three: always remember who the enemy is.”

“Those are good. Are you ready to come up with steps now?”

“Y-yeah. Step number one: meet with the disguise team and make up some bullshit about needing something for a new mission, we’re gonna need something on the outside,”

Cody answered. “Step two: meet in one of our rooms at a weird, late time, like 2:43 am,” After that, Cody paused.

“What’s step three?”

“We run. Somewhere. Determine which door has the least amount of nighttime guards, memorize the door code by watching someone else put it in. We arm ourselves and we run,”

“Cody, I don’t-”

“It’s either we die with dignity because we tried or we let this goddamn organization keep making the decisions for us. Which one would you want?”

The plan was made. Cody took the sheet and folded it neatly, hiding in under the sole of a busted pair of stained boots. It was there, it was real and just the thought of having a plan right now was keeping Cody grounded.


	4. what did you get yourself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back at it again! should be posting a bit more now that a stressful week of school is over with. let me know if y'all want more Kelsey and Aleena plotline like I do. Thank sm for all the support on my last chapters it means so much, you have no idea. Enjoy!

There’s blood under his fingernails. There’s a large hand-shaped bruise across his neck. There are crescent-shaped indents on his wrist made by someone’s fingernails. He can taste a horrifyingly familiar metal tinge in his mouth. He rests his head back against the headrest and focuses on not vomiting in the backseat again. He shouldn’t have made it out of there alive. He wasn’t even supposed to be on a mission because of the whole “therapy” thing but corporate insisted it had to be him who went. He was “uniquely suited” for this mission. Really it just meant that corporate knew it was a target who was difficult to take down, and Cody figured that if he was already considered a “problem” at corporate then they wanted to get rid of him anyways. Might as well put him on a suicide mission. The driver looked shocked to see Cody hobbling out of the ports, clutching his stomach and coughing blood onto the concrete. Hell, even Cody was shocked that he made it out of there. His thoughts lolled back to the fight:

_Cody was pushed up against the wall of a shipping container, a tight grip was around his neck, suffocating him as the man picked him up by his throat with ease. Cody clawed at the hand on his neck and kicked his legs, tried to remember anything from training. The grip was tighter and tighter and the blow to his stomach was starting to not hurt anymore. He thought for a split second about giving up, letting himself just go, he was close, he could just stop trying to fight. He almost did, but his mind flickered back to the plan stored safely in the pair of boots in his room. There was that tiny sliver of hope. He had to get back there. Cody slammed his fist against the inside of the man’s elbow, and the blow forced his hands to let go of Cody. Cody took the opportunity to grab the man’s gun, as his had been kicked into the ocean some time ago, and he fired two shots, one into the man’s stomach and one point blank in the middle of his forehead. The man’s body deflated to the ground, as maroon blood pooled around the body. Cody stumbled towards where they said the car was going to be. He threw himself into the back seat._

_“Drive,” he said weakly._

“Cody, we’re here,” the driver said, pulling open his door, simultaneously pulling Cody away from his thoughts.

Cody shakily got out of the car. He staggered back to the doors of HQ, grunting as he pulled open the steel door. The driver drove off behind him, he didn’t care, he didn’t have to care about Cody. That was the thing, no one here really cared about each other, it was all smoke and mirrors. Everyone pretended to be shocked when HQ announced a death, pretended to be hurt when assigned a mission. Everyone was full of shit, and Cody knew so because he did the same thing. He pretended like therapy was helping him, pretended like he wanted to get back to his job, he was lying to himself.

Cody slowly walked to the medical wing of the building, wincing if he moved his stomach in any way. He was tired, he wanted to go lay down in his bed, or reread his and Noel’s plan, that would make him feel better. But he knew he had to go get checked out, there had been too much blood bubbling out of his mouth after that fight to ignore. He entered their version of an E.R. and looked at everyone triaged. Some were groaning in pain, some were staring off into the distance, some looked dead, with their head lolled back on the bed, unmoving. He made his way to the receptionist’s desk.

“Hey can I get seen, got into some shit in a fight and have been coughing up blood since,”

“We’re super busy right now, there was a hit to one of our larger teams,”

“I really think I need to be seen, there was a lot of fucking blood,”

“Sir,”

Cody pulled up the front of his shirt, exposing his pale stomach that had an angry black bruise blossoming across his abdomen, the receptionist looked somewhat shocked, but she had probably seen too much to let it phase her.

Suddenly, Cody’s head was so foggy, so unclear. He wanted to lay down. He didn’t feel good. He coughed blood across the receptionist’s desk and stumbled back slightly.

“Woah...” Cody said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and looking at the crimson that now stained his hand.

He was even more tired now.

“Sir, sir, can you hear me?”

Cody didn’t know where the voice was coming from. Where was he again? It was getting darker and darker. He could finally sleep. Darkness. Finally.

...

“Does anyone here know anything about a Cody Kolodziejzyk,”

Noel looked up from his now cold cup of black coffee. He hadn’t seen Cody in a bit. He didn’t go to bullshit group therapy today. Where was he? They couldn’t be asking about him if it were good.

“Yeah I know Cody,” Noel heard himself say out loud.

“Could you come with us, then?”

“Yeah sure,” Noel got up from his seat and pitched his styrofoam cup, following behind the two suited workers leading him down the hall, to the medical wing. Fuck. Cody was hurt? How though? Unless he went on a mission? He couldn’t have, he was in group therapy, if they weren’t letting Noel, Kelsey or Aleena work then why would Cody be allowed to? None of this made sense. Noel was hoping these damn workers would walk faster.

They got into the E.R. and made their way back to Cody’s room. “

Hey man, why are you here?” Cody said weakly to Noel, a small smile was spread across his face.

“I could ask you the same thing, Cody,” Noel said, taking the seat next to Cody’s bed.

“Went on some mission that turned shitty, mans beat the shit out of me before I shot him,”

“Why the fuck were you out on a mission in the first place?” Noel said. Anger was hidden in that question. Noel couldn’t tell if he was angry because Cody was hurt or if it was because Cody was allowed to work and Noel couldn’t. It had to be the latter. Noel didn’t know the guy, just helped him out when he was going through some shit.

“Corporate said I was ‘uniquely suited’ for the situation,” Cody whispered to Noel with a chuckle. Fuck. Noel knew what that meant. Corporate had heard about Cody’s outburst and then thought they might be able to get rid of him. Noel was probably next.

“Also, if you ever need medical attention but a bitch at the front desk won’t let you in, just throw up blood all over her desk, it worked for me,”

“Jesus man, you’re all good now though right?”

“For the most part. Kinda sore and doctor says I probably have a concussion and that I can’t go out for anymore missions for a bit,”

“A concussion? Jesus what did you get yourself into?”

“Beefy guy had me pinned up against a storage container, I think I remember him slamming my head into it, he punched me in the gut a couple of times and choked me out for a bit,” Cody stated, pointing a finger at the hand-shaped bruises on his neck.

“Fuck dude,”

Noel turned to the suits who were murmuring to each other behind him.

“Why’d you call me in here?”

“Well, Cody’s doctors think that someone needs to keep a close eye on him for a couple of days to check for signs of a traumatic brain injury and make sure he’s healing properly, because truthfully, we don’t have enough space for him to occupy this bed,”

“So you want me to watch him for a few days to see if the mission fucked him up enough badly for more surgery,”

“Mr. Miller, this is serious, your issues with HQ don’t have a place here,”

“Ok, ok, yeah I’ll watch him,”

“Excellent, his doctor will be in soon to explain everything to you,” one of the men in the suits said, and they both disappeared from the entryway.

“Looks like you're my babysitter for a bit, huh, _Mr. Miller_ ,” Cody said, giggling to himself.

“Man shut up,” Noel laughed.

“Can I show you something kinda crazy?” Cody whispered.

“Uh, I guess?” Cody lifted up his hospital gown to expose his stomach, while using the blanket to cover up the rest of himself. On his stomach was a line of black stitches ran from his midline to just above his pubic area.

“What the fuck, man?” Noel said, in awe at the number of stitches that ran along Cody’s abdomen.

“Apparently I had a lot of internal bleeding so they needed to explore my stomach to see what the fuck was going on. It’s called an exploratory lap-lapa-rot,”

“Laparotomy,” Noel supplied helpfully.

“That’s the one!”

Cody’s doctor entered the room, some douchebag looking motherfucker named Dr. Smith. What kinda fake ass name was that?

“Mr. Miller?”

“Yeah that’s me,”

“Excellent. Cody will need someone to watch out for symptoms like loss of consciousness, vomiting, confusion, seizures or dilation of pupils for his concussion. You will also have to keep an eye on the incision on his stomach and watch for signs of infection. If anything happens, call the number on the pamphlet and bring him here immediately,” the doctor finished, handing Noel a stack of pamphlets and folders outlining Cody’s medical needs.

Jesus, what was Noel getting himself into?

“Can’t wait to be a needy little bitch,” Cody teased with a smile.

“I’m not wiping your ass,”

“We’ll see,” Cody laughed, wincing as it seemed to pull on his sutures.

“This will certainly be interesting,” Noel smiled.

“Damn straight, I’m an interesting guy”

Ok. Maybe this wouldn’t be too too bad.


	5. so you guys are friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back again! with the craziness of corona i haven't had much time to write while also trying to transition to online school, but i think i'm finally figuring out a schedule so that i can write too. here's another chapter! as always, let me know what you guys think! major kelsey and aleena chapter after this!

Noel was wheeling Cody back to his room, with the provided hospital wheelchair they had given him. Cody kept cracking jokes the whole way but Noel could tell he was in pain. Poor dude. The mission he had been on had really fucked him up. He was covered in bruises and obviously suffered a concussion. Noel wasn’t supposed to leave the guy alone, so how were they supposed to figure out room arrangements? They had rooms next to each other, but it would eat Noel up inside if something happened to the person he was supposed to watch just because he’d rather sleep in his bed. He knew Cody had a chair in his room, and he could tough that out for a few days.

“Hey man, we’re here,” Cody said, looking up to Noel who was staring off into space.

“Oh yeah my bad,”

“I guess I can just call you if I need anything?” Cody asked, attempting to stand up out of his wheelchair.

“Woah, woah man sit back down, I’ll just sleep in your bedside chair or something I can’t leave you alone,”

“It’s ok Noel, you don’t have to stay here with me or anything,”

“Cody that’s literally what I was called down to the medical ward for,”

“It’s just a few scratches and a maybe concussion,”

“Dude, your abdomen was wide open like a day ago and you have a concussion, I can’t leave you alone, normally you’d be in a post-surgical ward right now,”

That was a good point, Cody thought. He didn’t necessarily want Noel around, especially because his nightmares had been way more intense recently, and he already cried into the man’s arms once, and that was enough embarrassment for Cody to never speak to Noel again. But, here they were. Cody wasn’t going to lie either, he definitely needed the help, he just didn’t want to admit it to Noel. He didn’t want to seem weak. This job had bred him to not be weak, to tough things out, but this last beating had been particularly brutal.

Noel wheeled Cody into his room and helped him into his bed. Cody groaned in pain as he gripped his stomach.

“Are you comfortable?” Noel asked, knowing the answer was no, but he wanted to help the dude feel as okay as he could given the circumstances.

“Could you just adjust the pillow so it’s more upright?” Cody said, looking down at his hands.

“Yeah man, of course,” he replied, moving the pillows so Cody could lay comfortably inclined.

  
With Cody situated, Noel sat in the chair that was situated on the other side of the room. Every agent got a bed, a bathroom, a desk and a couple of chairs shoved up against an empty wall. Cody had kept his in their original spot. The chairs weren’t 100% comfortable, but Noel knew Cody had to be in greater pain.

  
“I think I’m gonna try and sleep because it hurts too much to do anything else,” Cody said with a chuckle.

“Aight man, i’ll be here if you need anything,”

Noel watched as Cody placed his head against his pillow and tried to sleep. Poor dude. The painkillers they gave him had to have been strong, as he was asleep within 5 minutes of closing his eyes.

Noel sighed and rested his head against the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He felt his eyelids flutter shut and let himself be lulled to sleep by Cody’s even breaths.

He woke up to screaming. Piercing screams.

  
He sat straight up from his chair, minorly noting the ache in his back, and looked to Cody, who was thrashing around in his bed, screaming his lungs out. Fuck, fuck what was he supposed to do?

  
Noel got up and approached Cody carefully, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

  
“Cody.” No response.

“Cody,” he said a little louder. No response.

“Cody!” he shouted.

  
The man stopped screaming and thrashing and slowly opened his eyes. A few gentle tears rolled onto his cheeks that he quickly brought a hand up to wipe away.

  
“Sorry, sometimes I have nightmares,” Cody said, pulling at each of his fingers, seeming to almost count them.

“Hey man, I get it. Are you okay?” Noel asked, making eye contact as his green eyes met Cody’s hazel ones.

“Yeah, I think so. I get it if you don’t want to stay, this screaming thing can be annoying,”

“No, no man it’s fine, tonight I’ll just wear earplugs,” Noel said jokingly. He looked towards the clock, seeing it was about 4 am.

“I’m going to try and sleep again, I’m still kinda tired,” Cody mumbled.

“I’ll be here, but we gotta be up by like 7:30am because we have to go to dumbass group therapy,” Cody groaned and let his head drop back to his pillow.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

“Yeah I know man, I’m not excited about it either,”

8 am. Conference Room 1. It was an eerie feeling being back. Holly the therapist had put off group meetings until Cody could come to them again. It had been about 3 days, and Noel was loathing the day he had to go back.

  
Cody and Noel sat silently next to each other, waiting for everyone else to join them.

  
“Did you sleep okay, like aside from the screaming? You weren’t too uncomfortable in bed?”

“Oh yeah, that was probably the most I’ve actually slept in a while, whatever painkiller they gave me must’ve really knocked me out,”

“Good, that’s good,”

  
The conversation ended awkwardly. Noel didn’t know the guy very well. He’d heard him say shit in therapy, had held him once while he cried, formulated a plan with him to calm him down during a panic attack, and had slept in his uncomfortable chair because he got his ass handed to him in a fight. There was a weird tension between them. Noel thought he was nice, but he wasn’t quite sure what Cody thought of him.

Cody wanted nothing more than to disappear the night after Noel held him while he sobbed. He even asked the poor dude to hold him. What the fuck was he thinking? Asking some random stranger to give you a hug while you lose your shit because you hate the job that you signed up for? Cody felt like a fucking idiot. He had obviously made the guy uncomfortable, and now he had to sit in Cody’s room and watch him like a babysitter because he got his ass handed to him in a fight. Cody could sense a tension between him and Noel. He liked Noel, thought he was a good person, especially with how he treated Cody during his panic attack. He felt bad that Noel was kind of stuck with him for a bit.

Cody was driven out of his thoughts as Kelsey and Aleena entered the conference room, mumbling something to each other before clearing their throats and sitting down. A pregnant silence sat between the 4 of them; they were all averting their gaze to anything except one another. Noel was focused on picking at that one piece of skin on his pointer finger, Cody was staring at the ceiling, Kelsey intensely watched the clock on the back of the wall tick rhythmically, and Aleena pretended to be interested in the bulletin board on the adjacent wall.

  
It had been 5 minutes and there was no sign of Holly. Cody was slightly relieved, as he didn’t want to have to talk about his latest mission, as he was sure Holly would bring it up. He eyed the door every once in a while, praying to whatever god he could think of that he wouldn’t see that handle turn.

  
It was 8:15 now. Still no sign of Holly.

8:25.

“Where in the fuck could she be?” Noel asked, breaking the thin veil of silence that covered them.

  
It seemed like magic that not even a minute passed by when Holly entered the room, cheery as ever, holding that damned clipboard.

“Sorry to keep you guys waiting! Hope you took the time to get to know each other even more!” she exclaimed, plastering a thin-lipped smile on her face.

“Last session, we all introduced ourselves, now, we had to take a short hiatus because Cody had some injuries he had to deal with, but I’m glad we’re all back again!”

“Let’s hear from Noel today, who hopefully can be a little bit more positive” Holly strained, she wasn’t hiding the anger in her voice very well.

Noel sighed audibly.

"Well, at first, I sat in my room doing nothing. And now I’m spending time with Cody, sitting in his room, doing nothing,”

“So you guys are friends? That’s great to hear!”

Noel looked uneasily at Cody. Cody looked like he had seen a ghost, all the color was drained from his face aside from a small blush that had spread across his cheeks.

“Yeah, you could say we’re friends,” Noel concluded, looking back at Holly. What the fuck else was he supposed to say?

“That’s great. Bonding with people who understand what you’re going through uniquely is really helpful for healing, so I hope you guys can lean on each other for support,”

“Yeah, Noel’s been great in helping me out with all of this,” Cody said, pointing to the wheelchair he was still seated in. He gave a small smile to Noel who returned the gesture.

“I’m glad to hear. So Cody, do you mind talking a bit about what happened on this last mission?”

“Uh, I’m not sure that I feel comfortable talking about it yet,”

“This is a safe space Cody, you don’t have to be afraid,”

“What the fuck kind of therapist pressures patients to tell them everything?” Noel thought inwardly. He was starting to dislike Holly more and more.

“I, just, there’s some trauma there yet that isn’t healed, so I, uh, just-”

“I’m just interested in how a trained and highly respected agent gets beaten an inch within his life by one guy,” Everyone in the circle of chairs looked up in disbelief at her statement.

“The fuck you just say?” Noel interrupted, glaring directly at Holly.

“Well-”

“No, no, no. You haven’t been out in the field, you don’t fucking know what it’s like. What the fuck kind of hack job therapist are you to demand answers from your patients, then belittle them for their trauma? You can fucking report me to corporate, I don’t care, but if you do, I’m one hundred percent telling them the bullshit you just spewed,” Noel continued. He was fuming. If he had been injured like Cody had and then had to hear a therapist question why he got hurt, he would fucking lose it. Hell, he’s losing it right now and he wasn’t even the one the question was directed to.

“Thank you,” Cody mouthed to Noel as Holly seemed wordless. She scribbled something down on her yellow legal pad and moved on like nothing had happened. What was wrong with this woman?

“So, Kelsey, we haven’t heard much from you. How are you doing?”

“You gonna make fun of me if I tell you?” She scoffed.

“Kelsey. Let’s move on.” Holly turned to Cody, “I’m sorry if I came off harshly, I just wanted you to open up so you could hopefully gain some closure, ok?” Cody refused to meet her gaze.

“Now Kelsey, how was your day yesterday?”

“Well, like Noel said, I sat doing nothing for most of the day because we’re not allowed to do anything, and then I got lunch from the cafeteria, then I slept for a while, then got dinner, and then fell asleep again,”

“Why do you sleep a lot, is it because you’re tired or bored?”

“Mostly bored, I guess, because there’s nothing to do on administrative leave,”

“Well, now is the perfect time to reflect on your past, maybe do some journaling or write down how you’re feeling? Cody you mentioned you like to write a lot to get your mind off things,”

“I write to try and paste over the bloody memories I have but if you want to call it “getting stuff off my mind” you could,”

“See, Kelsey, maybe try writing for a bit and then report back to us how it makes you feel, ok?”

“Sure,” she agreed tentatively.

“Ok, now Aleena. We haven’t heard much of anything from you.”

“I-uh-mostly draw and sleep nowadays.”

“Drawing is great! Care to show any of your works?”

“Not really, they’re, uh, really, disturbing,” she said, looking down at the floor.

“Well, I’d love if one day you wanted to share a piece, I’m sure everyone else here is interested too.” Aleena rolled her eyes at that, slumping back into her chair.

  
“So, gang, let’s talk a little bit about healthy coping mechanisms. A lot of you have expressed ways in which you cope, like sleeping, writing, and drawing. Now writing and drawing are great for dealing with some not-so-good memories, as they can give an outlet for some to express feelings which they don’t want to articulate out loud. Now sleeping isn’t necessarily a healthy one, as it can disturb your natural circadian rhythm and can have adverse effects on your health,” she babbled, making eye contact with Kelsey.

  
“So, I challenge you all to try writing out your feelings for each day this week. Try and write two things you like or appreciate and two things you didn’t like this week. Also try and write out any dreams you had, or anything else you think would be useful. We’ll reconvene tomorrow to go over some other things I want you guys to work on, sound good?”  
Everyone gave a short huff in reply, all looking at each other with a tired look. More “emotional digging” that they all had to do.

Kelsey and Aleena locked eyes, both giving each other an exasperated look as a silent response to Holly's assignment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think! again, it's a very slow burn but i promise it'll pick up. also, i don't want this to be taken as me hating on therapists for my portrayal of holly, as i think they do amazing and very helpful work, however, for the sake of the story, she's an asshole LMAO, but i also recognize that not all therapists are good at what they do and are very harmful and that's kinda the route on which i'm taking her! anyways, thank u so much for reading as always and i will b back soon with another chapter :)


	6. i promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kelsey and aleena realize they're not fully alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kelsey and aleena chapter! finally fleshing them out a little more, decided they'll already be a couple so we can focus on the creation of cody/noel, but ofc i will still include kelsey/aleena chapters bc they're just as fun to write. as always, let me know what you think. and this isn't representative of what i think of the boys/girls and their relationships. hope u enjoy! sorry this took so long, finals have been kicking my ass lol

“It’s fucking ridiculous, Aleena, that’s what it is,”

“Yeah, I know, I don’t wanna do any of this stupid shit either,”

“This is why we should just go, please, just-”

“Kels... you know we can’t do that, I don’t even wanna talk about it, who knows if they’re listening,” Aleena said, lowering her voice to a whisper.

“I’m fucking sick of it here, I just wanna be normal. I want to forget, is that too much to ask? Is that really just too much? That’s all I want, just to be normal, normal with you,” Kelsey whispered back, with tears threatening to spill over her reddened cheeks. She crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at the floor as tears began to drip down her face.

“Kels, baby, I’m- I just- come ‘ere,” Aleena replied, opening her arms for the other girl. Kelsey walked over to Aleena and flung her arms around her waist, squeezing tightly, letting silent open-mouth sobs shake her body. She turned her face to Aleena’s neck, as her tears dripped onto her blouse.

“Promise me,” Kelsey mumbled into Aleena’s neck.

“Promise you what?”

“You’re not gonna leave without me. I can’t do this without you,”

“Of course I wouldn’t. I promise you baby, we’re gonna get through this together,” Aleena said, cradling Kelsey’s head with one of her hands as the other one rubbed soothing circles onto her back.

“The best thing we can do is comply with Holly’s demands and then hope to get through it, and not raise suspicion to- us,” Aleena continued, “Corporate cannot know about us, you know how they are about interpersonal relationships, otherwise who knows what they’ll do,”

“Ok, I can do that, I’ll BS my way through this journaling and I’ll try and not hold your hand every two seconds even though I wanna,” Kelsey said, pulling back with a smile.

“That’s my girl.”

Aleena and Kelsey said cross-legged from each other on Aleena’s bed with notebooks spread across their laps.

“Ok, she said two things we like, two things we didn’t like and our dreams?”

“Yeah, I think so, but I don’t know that I really want to write my dreams,” Aleena replied, frowning at the journal in front of her.

“Me neither. I’d probably get retired right away,” Kelsey said, drumming her fingers on the paper. 

“Cody and Noel have been pretty open about their whole nightmare situation, but we all heard what Holly thought about that,”

“I don’t know what the fuck is up with her, she doesn’t treat us like patients, she’s just condescending and rude,”

“That’s how everyone at corporate is, Kels, none of them really care about us anyways,”

“That’s for damn sure, now two things I’m thankful for,”

“I’m gonna say our friendship and the cookies that the caf serves on Thursdays,” Aleena said, giving a small smile to Kelsey.

“Damn, those cookies are good. I think I’m gonna say our friendship,” she winked at Aleena, “and Cody and Noel,” she said, scribbling quickly on the paper.

“Really? Why?” Kelsey paused, taking a deep breath in.

“I guess, just, they seem pretty lonely, and hearing them talk back to Holly has been a highlight of the week for sure, and they probably don’t have any other friends, because we were shunned from the ‘others’ after therapy started,” Kelsey answered, making finger quotes to highlight her point. 

“Hmm. I guess that’s true,”

“What about things we don’t like?” Aleena said, quirking an eyebrow at Kelsey.

“Well, since I can’t write Holly, I’m gonna write the feeling of exclusion and frustration with myself,”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m angry with my past self, that I signed up for this, that I agreed to do what we do, that I have committed so many crimes and used to use it as solace for my shitty life. I wish I had better coping mechanisms, I wish I didn’t have a bad childhood, I wish I had met you, I’m angry that I did all of this. But I’m angry that I can’t get over it, that I carry all this weight of things I’ve done, when I know that a lot of it is at the bidding of this organization that controls essentially everything I do,”

“You’re being honest with Holly about all of that?”

“If she wants raw emotion, I’m gonna deliver. Cody and Noel need to know they’re not the only ones. I thought about BS-ing my way through this, but I think our best option is making friends with the two other people in our shitty situation. We know they feel the same as us, and having allies might be useful, but let it be very clear, I’m not doing this so Holly can scribble it and report to HQ, I’m doing this for the other two. We all deserve better,” Kelsey explained.

“Wow Kels, that’s big of you. I remember first meeting you and you were definitely not like this at all,”

“I just feel bad for those two, I can’t really explain it, they’re like us, we all joined when we were young, had fucked up childhoods and didn’t really know what we were getting into. Now we’re all here, in group therapy because our employers fucked us up in some sense, but the only difference is that I have you, and they don’t have anyone but us, and maybe each other, but I don’t really know what’s going on there if I’m being honest,” Kelsey added with a chuckle.

“You’re right, I guess they are really similar to us, and Cody’s in that wheelchair, from a mission he was sent out on, despite corporate all putting us on leave when we started therapy, I don’t know, I feel bad for the guy, and he and Noel obviously have seen some shit too.”

“They are like the only other two who will understand us and what we’re going through, and maybe they know stuff we don’t? Maybe they can...help us,” Kelsey whispered.

“Kels,” Aleena said warily, “don’t get your hopes up, we don’t know them that well yet.”  
Kelsey sighed and threw down her notebook, flopping back against Aleena’s pillows.

“You’re right, I just want to believe so badly,” Kelsey mumbled into the pillow.

“I know babe, I know you do,” Aleena replied, setting her and Kelsey’s notebook on her nightstand, kissing Kelsey on the top of her head before lying down next to her and taking her in her arms. 

“Why don’t we sleep a little, we’ve been getting up early for meetings,” she whispered into Kelsey’s hair, watching her eyelids flutter shut as she curled further into Aleena’s arms.

“Love you.” 

“Love you too.”


	7. oh fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cody has a realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> figured since i haven't been the most active i would upload two chapters in a day to make up for the lack of writing recently. but i promise there's more to come! as per usual, not representative of what i think of the boys relationship, they honestly are just placeholders so i don't have to flesh out characters by myself LMAO. n e ways, enjoy!

“Jesus fucking Christ, does that Holly lady ever shut the fuck up?” Noel groaned as he wheeled Cody into his room.

“Apparently fucking not, and it was ‘let’s roast Cody’ hour today,” Cody retorted, attempting to lift himself up from the wheelchair onto the bed.

“Woah, fuck man don’t do that,” Noel said, hurrying over to Cody to help lift him into bed. “You can’t fuck up your sutures man and the doctor said no heavy lifting or excessive movement,”

“Damn ok, Noel Miller M.D., didn’t know this was your specialty now,”

“Shut the fuck up, I just don’t want to see you hurt,”

“Look at you, being all gooey and soft! We’re friends, admit it!”

“Fine, whatever, we’re friends, now can you shut up about it?” Noel shot back, his cheeks were burning and he could almost feel the blush that had settled upon them. Cody smirked back at him after getting settled back in bed.

“Friends,” Cody whispered, seeming content with himself that he got that confession out of Noel.

“Let’s go back to sleep, fool, we’ve been up since like 7:30 am and I’m busted after listening to Holly just destroy us for an hour and a half, and it’s not like we have jobs or anything to do at the moment, so let’s savor the sleep we can get,”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Cody agreed, resting his head back against his pillow, “Sleep tight, Noel,” he quipped, looking at Noel shift uncomfortably in the shitty armchair. A fleeting thought came into Cody’s mind, but he brushed it off, Noel wasn’t gonna fucking sleep in the bed with him, that would be fucking weird.

“Shut up man, but you sleep well, you gotta heal up after all that,” Noel finalized, crossing his arms across his chest and resting his head against the back of the chair.

Cody let his eyes slowly shut, he hadn’t been able to sleep soundly like this until Noel came last night. Whatever, it was probably the painkillers they gave him or something. Noel and him were friends. Yeah. Friends. Cody reassured himself as he fell asleep.

...

_Cody was back in that dock, hiding anxiously behind one of the containers, waiting for his target to show up. He didn’t know why corporate had sent him here, now, after being assigned to fucking group therapy, he thought he was getting a break from all this bullshit, but if the bosses say you go on a mission, you go on a mission. He heard footsteps shuffling nearby. That was probably him. He remembered what the case file had said: Lonzo, age 27, affiliated with a few of the local gangs, big time coke dealer, ruthless, good with hand-to-hand combat. Cody swallowed hard, tightening his grip on his gun. He had a gun, that was good, right? Gun would beat hand-to-hand any day. Cody was good. Well-trained. He may have been the screamer at HQ but he was a silent fucking killer on his missions._

_He heard a few more footsteps, but they were heading in the opposite direction of where Cody was. He looked from the edge of the shipping container, seeing just a plain maintenance worker taking the number of all of the cargo. Jesus, where was Lonzo? HQ told him to be here at 6:00 pm, a weird ass time for a hit if you asked him, but he didn’t make the rules. Cody’s eyes flitted to his watch, it was 6:45 pm. He groaned, letting down his guard for a second, a split second, when the maintenance worker rushed towards him, pinning him up against the shipping container._

_“Lonzo, I think this is him!” The ~~worker~~ yelled out, and Cody watched as a 6’4”, 210 pound male of all fucking muscle appeared from out of the shadows, chuckling. _

_“Well, well, well, Kolodziejzyk, thought you’d get me didn’t you?” How the fuck did Lonzo know his name? Lonzo reached for his holstered gun, shooting the worker point-blank in the head, as his blood and brains covered Cody’s face._

_“Hope you’re ready to fucking die,” Lonzo said, grinning widely, showing off the diamonds that decorated his teeth, as well as the flecks of blood that contrasted the shine of the gems. Cody fumbled with his gun, but Lonzo rushed forward and held him against the shipping container, throwing multiple punches at Cody’s head. The impacts forced him to drop his gun as he slumped into Lonzo’s grasp, who only continued to laugh. Lonzo kicked Cody’s gun into the ocean, keeping him pinned against the steel. Cody kicked one of his legs up into Lonzo’s groin, using his momentary shock to land a few more punches onto Lonzo’s face._

_“You motherfucker,” Lonzo remarked, wrapping his hand around Cody’s neck, pinning him to the storage container, suffocating him. He could just give up. Let Lonzo squeeze the air from his throat and lungs, shoot a bullet into his brain, throw him into the ocean with cinder blocks tied to each leg, what would it matter? Cody was sinking into Lonzo’s grip, slowly losing consciousness, before he heard:_

_“Let him fucking go!” A voice screamed. That voice was so familiar._

_Lonzo turned his head in shock as someone appeared from the shadows he had once been concealed in._

_Noel?_

_“I told you to let him fucking go!” Noel yelled again, pointing a gun to Lonzo’s forehead._

_“And who would you b-” was all Lonzo got out before Noel put a bullet through his brain, as his hand released Cody, who fell onto his feet, gasping for air. Noel rushed to Cody, holstering the gun and crouching down next to him._

_“Are you okay?” Noel asked, his eyes were rimmed with tears. Noel? Crying?_

_“Why are you crying?” Cody whispered and smiled lazily up at Noel. Noel’s hands moved to wipe his eyes, and then held Cody’s head in between his two hands._

_“I love you,” Noel whispers._

_“M-me t-too,” Cody mumbled, and Noel moved in slowly, pressing a soft kiss to Cody’s lips._

_“I couldn’t lose you, I came here for you, now let’s get you out of here,” Noel said, pulling Cody up so his body weight was resting against him, leading him back to the main road. Noel used the hem of his shirt to wipe off Cody’s face, and loaded him into what Cody can only assume to be a rental car._

_“I love you, you protect me,” Cody admitted, looking deeply into Noel’s eyes. Noel smiled back and put the car into drive. Freedom._

...

Cody shot awake out of his dream in a cold sweat. What the fuck? He had taken care of Lonzo by himself, Noel was never there, he didn’t have anything to do with that mission? Why the fuck was Noel in his dream? Cody looked over to Noel, who was still peacefully sleeping on the chair, and then at the clock, which let him know it was 12:00pm. He wasn’t in love with Noel. It was just a stupid dream, he’s just feeling like this because Noel’s been taking care of him lately and he hasn’t had human contact in a while. That’s all this was. It wasn’t the way Noel soothed him after his panic attack or made him a plan, or the fact that Noel defends him in every meeting when Holly’s on her bullshit, nor was it the way Noel cared for Cody after he got the living shit beat out of him on the dock by Lonzo.

Oh fuck.

Cody had a problem.


	8. like the view?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cody and noel are soft for each other but don't really know it, or do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back, with another chapter! it's a bit longer to make up for the fact that I haven't posted in a while and i'm so sorry about that but I have a definite plotline for this book and i'm so excited to bring it to fruition. 
> 
> also!! this chapter has some mild violence in it (just a fist fight) but i figured i'd put a warning here just in case.
> 
> as always, lemme know what you think!

Cody threw his head back onto his pillow, wincing a bit as a pain shot through his temples. Fuck. It really took a dream for him to realize his feelings? How could he be so oblivious? He couldn’t be in love with Noel. HQ didn’t really allow relationships, let alone same-sex couples. Was he really going to be stuck pining after someone he won’t ever have the chance to date, even if somehow he reciprocated feelings? This was absolute bullshit. HQ, the therapy, the anti-dating policies.

He looked over to Noel, who was still asleep in the chair, arms folded across his chest. He looked peaceful, for once. Noel didn’t seem to scream in his sleep like Cody did, but he didn’t seem like he slept well at all either. Cody looks back up at the ceiling, before his mind flickers to the pair of worn-down boots still stored near his closet. The plan should still be hidden in the sole of those shoes, and if his incision didn’t hurt like a bitch he would get up and check to see that it was still there, but alas, the sharp ache in his stomach reminded him that he was still limited physically.

Cody lifted up his shirt, carefully, looking at the line of angry black stitches that ran down the majority of his abdomen. Fuck. He ran a cautious finger down the line of stitches, pulling away with a gasp from how tender they were. He really got fucked over in this last mission. He wished his dream of Noel saving him was real.

His stomach grumbled lowly, bringing him out of his thoughts. He hadn’t really been hungry after the surgery until now, and it was just about lunch time. He looked back at Noel, who was still peacefully asleep, probably one of the few times he has gotten good sleep in the past few days. He’d wait until Noel woke up to ask about food. He felt bad for Noel, stuck with caring for Cody after he got the living shit beat out of him. The dude didn’t ask to be Cody’s friend, but now he was kind of forced to be. It only complicated matters now that Cody had fucking feelings for the guy. He decided that he was going to shove his feelings down as deeply as possible, and pretend like he never even knew he had them, it sometimes worked for his childhood, so maybe it would work for this. Grumbling, he sat fully up, grabbing a random book off his nightstand and flipping to where the last bookmark was. He needed to waste some time until Noel woke up.

About an hour had passed when Cody noticed Noel carefully open his eyes and rub at them.

“Sleep well?” He quipped, closing his book and turning slightly to look at Noel.

“Ugh yes, probably the best I’ve slept in a while,” He returned, stretching slightly and cracking the bones in his back.

“Are you hungry? I’m kind of hungry, and the cafeteria is still serving lunch,” Cody asked hopefully. Noel looked at the clock. It was about 1:15 pm.

“Yeah, I can definitely eat,”

“Oh thank god,” Cody sighed, “I’m fucking starving man,”

“Well, that’s gotta be good right? Like an appetite after having surgery, you know?”

“I would think it would be good, I don’t know, I just woke up and was hungry,”

“Yeah then that’s definitely good,” Noel supplied, standing up to grab Cody’s wheelchair from the foot of his bed.

“I don’t, well, I don’t want to use the wheelchair, the doctor said I should start moving on my own at some point, and I might as well start now.”

“Oh, okay,” Noel said, taken aback by Cody’s request. He wasn’t quite sure how much Cody should be moving medically speaking, but if he wanted to then Noel sure wasn’t gonna stop him.

Noel walked over to Cody’s side of the bed, holding out his hands, palms facing up. Cody looked at him quizzically.

“You’re gonna need some help there, Clark Kent, you shouldn’t be moving too much on your own yet,” Cody let out a light laugh and placed his hands into Noel’s. Noel tried to pull Cody to his feet but it wasn’t working.

“Ow fuck!” Cody let out, releasing Noel’s hands and placing one of his own protectively on his stomach.

“Shit, shit Cody, what did I do?” Noel asked frantically.

“No, no, I pulled some of my stitches trying to stand right then,” He let out, with the pain in his stomach finally subsiding. Noel stood there for a second, seemingly afraid to touch Cody again.

“Let’s try again,” Cody said.

“I have a better idea,” Noel replied, before wrapping his arms under Cody’s and placing his hands on his shoulders, carefully lifting him up out of the bed.

“Oh, that works too,” Cody whispered. Standing on his own two feet felt foreign. Noel took a step back from Cody, releasing his grip. Cody wobbled a bit, before attempting to take a step forward. He did it successfully, but his balance was shitty, he had to take small steps to avoid pulling at the stitches too much. He took more steps towards his closet, he felt like he had to change out of the outfit he’d been wearing for far too long. Noel watched as Cody took more careful steps to his closet, looking out for any signs of discomfort or instability. Cody opened his closet door and his breath hitched as he reached for one of his shirts on a hanger. He grasped the shirt and shuffled over to his bathroom, carefully changing his shirt, taking a sharp breath in as his stitches stung.

“You all good in there?” Noel asked, listening as Cody changed.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m just trying to get this shirt on” Cody replied, his stomach doing flips at the deepness of Noel’s voice.

“Do you need any help?” Noel asked again.

“Fuck, uh, I guess if you can help me get my fucking arm in this sleeve,” Cody said, feeling a rush of blood run to his cheeks. Noel opened the bathroom door and saw Cody, standing with one arm in his shirt and the other one out. His gaze flickered to Cody’s incision site, where he could see the many stitches run down his stomach.

“Like the view?” Cody quipped, letting out a slight laugh.

"Shut up man,” Noel said, but he could feel his cheeks flush. He helped Cody place his arm in the sleeve and pulled his shirt down. He doesn’t know why he looked at Cody’s stomach like that, he could tell himself it was the stitches, but Cody did have some nice muscles. No, no that wasn’t it. It was the stitches. Only the stitches.

With the awkward moment brushed aside, they made their way out of the room and down towards the cafeteria.

While they were riding in the elevator, Noel gripped Cody’s hand. Cody looked up questioningly at Noel.

“I’m here if you need help, alright?” Noel said, releasing Cody’s hand. He didn’t know why he had done that, but he wanted Cody to know that he didn’t have to go at all of this- the recovery, the therapy, just this fucking institution in general- alone.

“S-same goes for you,” Cody breathed out.

They entered the cafeteria, and since it was past normal lunch time, it was generally empty. HQ really felt like a middle school sometimes, Cody thought as he and Noel stood in line, gripping beige plastic trays. Today was spaghetti day, which wasn’t half bad, but Cody was fucking starving, so anything at this point sounded good to him. They sat at one of the deserted tables and ate silently.

“So,” Cody declared.

“So?” Noel mocked.

“I don’t know man, we should get to know each other a bit or something, especially if you’re gonna sleep in my armchair for like the next month,”

“Well, what do you wanna know?”

Cody just shrugged. He wanted to know things he knew Noel would never answer, one question was in the back of his mind (do you like guys?), but he would keep it there until he died.

“Well, I grew up in Los Angeles, but not rich at all, my dad, he uh, was involved in gang activity, and he uh, killed my mom when I was in the second grade,”

“Oh my god, Noel, I’m so sorry,”

“That’s part of the reason I joined, I wanted to kill my dad, but I wanted government protection while doing it and this was the best way I could think of doing it,” Noel finished. It was the truth, and something about Cody made Noel felt like he could trust him with anything. They were friends after all.

“Yeah no, that makes sense, I would, uh, probably do the same,” Cody said, rubbing his arms and averting his gaze. He didn’t know how to respond to that, this man just told him a deep secret about himself.

“Well, for me, I, uh, came from a pretty abusive family. My dad was the main...one. My mom was pretty into drugs with my dad. She, when she was sober, she was good, would take me to school on time and take me to ice cream. She OD’d when I was 15 and then I was left with my dad and those 3 years were the worst. So, I ran, didn’t go to college, didn’t do anything, just found the first job I could, and I got recruited for this,” he said, waving around at the empty cafeteria.

“Cody, I’m so, so sorry,” Noel whispered, grasping Cody’s empty hand with his. He noticed the slightest tinge of red pass across Cody’s cheeks.

“Well, I’m not there now, but, sometimes this isn’t much better.”

“No, I know, this is a lot, but we’re gonna get through this.” There the “we” was again. Noel couldn’t tell himself why he kept referring to him and Cody as one unit, but it just felt right. Something about trauma bonding was unique. Cody seemed to pick up on this.

“We?”

“Well, yeah I mean, I just told you my darkest secret, I can’t have you snitching,” Noel laughed it off. His heart pounded a little quicker. Cody was just another one of his friends, why was he any different?

“Same goes for you, Miller, we’re in this together now, there’s no going back,” Cody joked back. Noel cleared his throat.

“We should probably head back up now, before the caf hits its second wave,”

“Yeah, totally,” Cody agreed.

Noel picked up their trays and cleared them. Just as he was heading back to where he and Cody had been seated, he noticed Luke standing near Cody.

“Oh, fuck me,” Cody whispered to himself. He tried to push himself up from the table, but the stitches pulled too much for him to be able to do it.

“Struggling, Ko?” Luke teased. “Mission didn’t go as you hoped?” He continued.

“Fuck off, Luke,” Cody gritted through his teeth, continuing to try and stand. Luke pushed Cody a bit, knocking him back to being seated.

“Hey man, what the fuck?” Noel yelled, storming over to Luke.

“What Ko, need your fucking _boyfriend_ to handle your shit?” He accused; the word “boyfriend” was dripping with malice and hatred.

“Back the fuck off, Luke,” Noel continued, putting himself between Cody and Luke.

“And what if I don’t?”

Noel punched Luke right in the nose, hearing a nasty cracking sound as he did so.

“What the fuck?!” Luke yelled, standing straighter and cocking his fist towards Noel. He landed a punch across Noel’s jaw, which made him stumble a bit. Cody sat watching in awe. Noel countered back with another punch to Luke’s cheek, taking his daze to pull him forward and knee him in the stomach. He knocked Luke down onto the ground, punching him repeatedly in the face.

"NOEL STOP!” Cody yelled, but he felt helpless because he couldn’t stand to physically stop them.

Luke rolled Noel over, now being the one to hit Noel in the jaw. A few of the security guards burst through the cafeteria doors, running over to Noel and Luke and pulling Luke off the top of Noel. The security guards were holding back Luke and Noel from each other.

Cody finally stood up, pushing past the burn that resided on his incision.

“He your friend?” The security guard holding Noel asked, looking at Cody.

“Yeah, he’s with me,” Cody said tiredly. Cody took Noel’s hand from the security guard and led him out of the cafeteria and into the elevator. Oh how the turntables had turned, now it was Cody supporting Noel rather than the other way around. They sat silently in the elevator, with Noel leaning his head back against the wood paneling. Cody was trying to think of what to say to Noel- “You big dumb fucking idiot” felt a little too strong. He just wanted to know what the fuck Noel was thinking in the first place.

They arrived on their floor, and Cody took a sharp breath in as he attempted to move.

“I gotchu,” Noel whispered, slowly sliding an arm around Cody’s waist.

“Thanks,” Cody mumbled, a burn rushing to his cheeks. They walked to Cody’s room. Noel helped Cody sit back onto his bed and he collapsed back into the armchair, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes and wince at the pain there.

“What the FUCK were you thinking? Like, what the actual fuck Noel? Luke is an asshole! He can and will beat the shit out of you! And he did! Look at your fucking face, you’re covered in bruises!”

“Are you done yet?” Noel asked, keeping a hand over his eyes.

“No! I’m not done, just tell me, what were you thinking? Why would you do that? It’s not like Luke hasn’t said shit to me before, I just ignore him!”

“That’s exactly the problem, Cody, you just let him, let him say shit to you, and he doesn’t face any consequences?! He needs to learn his lesson at some point, and you didn’t seem like you were gonna teach him his lesson anytime soon! I, just, wanted to stand up for you. You’re hurt and Luke didn’t need to aggravate that,” Noel huffed.

“Why do you care about me like that man?”

“I-i don’t know. I just, like you man, you understand me and you’re hurt after the incident and I just want to _protect_ you or something...” he trailed off. Cody’s face flushed red.

“Well, thank you, I guess, let me help you with your whole, face,” Cody said, gesturing to the faint splotches of bruises that were beginning to develop on Noel’s jaw and cheeks. Cody grimaced as he sat up, ignoring Noel’s protests about him sitting down, and walked the short distance it was to the bathroom. He grabbed the first aid kit from where it hung on the wall and shuffled back over to Noel. Cody settled himself onto the bed and looked to Noel, who had his forearm slung across his eyes.

“Sit up, please,” Cody ordered, and Noel complied, grumbling something about not needing anything. Cody slowly began wiping away at the cuts with an antiseptic solution, giving Noel an empathetic smile after he cringed at the burn from the disinfectant. He continued wiping, looking at Noel’s lips as he swiped the cotton pad over them. He noticed Noel smile at him and he quickly averted his gaze. He applied a small amount of Arnica to Noel’s bruises, making sure not to press too hard into them. Lastly, Cody activated the instant ice pack and handed it to Noel for him to hold over his eye.

“All done, but don’t go getting in more fights, that’s my last instant ice pack,” Cody laughed slightly.

“Thanks man,” Noel responded, leaning back into the armchair.

“You- you don’t have to sit there, ya know?” Cody offered, patting the open spot in the bed next to him.

“It won’t be weird or anything, I promise, just like, I want you to get better, and it’ll probably be easier to do it in this bed than like, in that chair, or if you want, I can take the chair and you can have the bed? Honestly that works for me, I just-” Cody rambled on before Noel cut him off.

“Sure, I’ll share the bed, it’s nothing weird.” He smiled at Cody, before hobbling over to the other side of the bed and clamoring in. It was only about 2:15, but after getting the shit beat out of him, Noel was pretty tired. Cody already looked like his eyes were fluttering shut, and it’s not like they had anything better to do.

They both laid on their backs and looked up at the ceiling, only listening to each others’ breaths as neither one fell asleep. Cody shut his eyes and tried not to think about how much he loved Noel, and tried to ignore Noel staring at him while helping him with his shirt, or smiling after he’d let his gaze linger on his lips. He fell asleep relatively peacefully, listening to Noel’s steady breathing.

This time it was Noel who woke up screaming. It had to have only been about 45 minutes after Cody dozed off, but Noel was sitting straight up in the bed screaming.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Noel, calm down,” Cody said, lifting a hand up to Noel’s shoulder. Noel looked over at Cody with wild eyes and stopped screaming. Tears were running down his face and his hair was tousled from where he had run his hands through it.

“You’re ok, Noel, you’re ok,” Cody comforted, running his hand up and down Noel’s back. Noel sagged in the bed, seeming to tip over into Cody, who opened his arms and embraced Noel.

After a long period of silence, of Cody just sitting and holding Noel, Noel sniffled and looked to Cody.

“Let’s try sleeping again, yeah?” Cody tested the waters, laying back, but still keeping a hand on Noel’s back as if to signal him to lay down. Noel leaned back before collapsing into his pillow and turning to face Cody.

“I gotchu, it’s ok, I gotchu,” he soothed, looking into Noel’s hazel eyes that were still glassy with the threat of tears. Cody gestured for Noel to turn around, and he complied. Cody pressed himself against Noel’s back and wrapped an arm around his waist, before resting his head on Noel’s. He whispered meaningless little phrases into Noel’s ear to make sure he fell back asleep, and sure enough, he was asleep within a few minutes, and Cody tried to pretend like he wasn’t spooning the man he had the world’s biggest crush on.

The pair woke up at about 6:00pm, not commenting on the sleeping situation, which remained Cody spooning Noel, except their legs were now a tangle of limbs that neither wanted to undo. Noel, however, was the first to detach himself from Cody, before sitting directly up and looking at him.

“Thanks, man, I should be the one taking care of you and yet you cleaned my wounds and _took care_ of me during that nightmare and like, were genuinely nice, and like, I should be the one you know, taking care of you because you got like beat to a bloody pulp- _no offense_ -” He added quickly, “- and like you had a fucking laparotomy and a concussion and so now I feel bad because you’ve had to deal with me and I just-” And in a moment of pure bravery (and also wanting Noel to shut up), Cody surged forward and pressed his lips against Noel’s, pulling back to look for any signs of disgust.

Instead, Noel leaned forward to Cody and kissed him again, slowly deepening it. He pulled back, resting his forehead against Cody’s, looking into his eyes.

“I know we’re all fucked but I think I like you,” Cody admitted.

“We’re definitely all fucked but I think I like you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY Y'ALL! i really did consider holding off for another chapter or so, but i felt bad about doing an even slower burn so hehe here it is! lemme know what you think!!

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh! there it is! i have more written, let me know if you want a second chapter!


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